5 Things She Wishes She Could Change
by mandyTbickerson
Summary: 113 years is a long time and Helen can't help but think of things she wishes she could do differently.


A little fic I wrote while I was supposed to be working *oops*

I always thought about how hard it would have been to go through life again,  
>knowing what would happen, but not being able to change anything. And I'm<br>kind of into the "5 things" style of writing so I wrote this. The only one I  
>secretly think Helen would actually do is the Ashley one... I mean, what<br>parent wouldn't do anything to save their child, no matter the consequences.  
>I always hoped if the show got a 5th season they'd find a way to bring her<br>back...

Ah well, hope you enjoy :)

(I didn't proof read anything so I apologize for any grammar mistakes)

_

113 years.

113 years alone to be precise.

Helen Magnus had lived longer than most could even dream. But she had never  
>been alone. The people had come and gone, some she loved. Some she did not.<br>They were always there. Familiar faces to comfort her loneliest days. Now  
>she would truly be alone. The slightest change to the timeline could alter<br>the lives of millions, change the course of the world.

The prospect of watching her own life unfold, all the horrible things that  
>plagued her nightmares doomed to repeat, was something she was not sure she<br>could bear.

And yet should could not help but wonder at the things she so longed to  
>change. It would be so simple, a once in a lifetime opportunity to change<br>her life for the better.

1.

She could do nothing to prevent his ultimate demise but she could make more  
>of the time she had left with him.<p>

She would welcome his comfort, relish his conversations (and more often than  
>not, their arguments).<p>

She would make him forgive himself where she could not. For John. John who  
>had wounded both them in ways they had not imagined. She remembered how<br>distant she had made herself. Unwilling to let anyone in. In her own  
>self-loathing she had been oblivious to the pain her old friend was<br>enduring. She would tell him it was not his fault. How they both had been  
>blinded by their own hearts.<p>

She knew she could not stay in London. If not for the memories, than the  
>fact that so much of the good she would achieve came after she left her<br>home. But she would visit him more. And insist he visit as often as he  
>could.<p>

She would laugh at his jokes.

She would notice every line that appeared on his face, while hers remained  
>ever unchanged.<p>

That last night before they ventured on their quest to find what remained of  
>the Source blood she would spend with him. Her friend who knew more about<br>her than anyone ever had. More than John. More than Nikola. It was James  
>that remained in her life longer than any of them. And she knew exactly when<br>she would lose him forever. She would not let that be lost on her. She is  
>not sure what she would do that last night. Just to be in his company one<br>second longer would be worth it. Just one second.

Yes, she would spend more time with him. She would change that.

2.

She had been exactly 2 minutes too late.

She had arrived in time to save the boy but she had been too late to save  
>his mother. The child she had held close and safe from harm would one day be<br>one of her most trusted friends.

She had failed him before he even knew her name.

It would not be hard to save the young woman. She would had to allow her to  
>be injured, yes, but she would not let her die. She owed her young protégée<br>that much.

Yes, she would give William the mother he so longer for.

3.

It was so cold.

That is what she remembered most of one of her worst memories. That horrific  
>night still caused her great pain. Not for her own life that was so nearly<br>extinguished. No, she did not care much for her own life, especially not so  
>early in her timeline. It was those that had perished so unnecessarily that<br>had made that night one that she very often wished she could change.

So many dead in the water around her. She saw their faces. Men, women,  
>children from all classes, equal in death.<p>

The lifeboats could have saved hundreds more. Some had been lowered without  
>being even half full. She had screamed and pleaded for anyone to get in the<br>boat. She was laughed at. Pushed aside. People strolled casually about the  
>deck, seemingly unconcerned at the grave peril they faced.<p>

The panic came too late.

People scrambling to find a spot on one of the life boats. But there was too  
>little time. Too few life boats left.<p>

She had looked around at the people fighting to find a way off the doomed  
>ship. She thought of the people below deck. The children. She had felt the<br>deck tip and it was not long before the Titanic slipped beneath the surface  
>of the icy waters. It was a cold the likes of which she had never imagined.<br>And one she very much wished to forget. And yet she would never forget those  
>frozen faces that surrounded her. She would not forget the children that had<br>died so horrifically.

How she wished she could have saved just one more person.

Yes. She would save just one more person.

4.

She would save her.

This she knew as fact.

She did not know how. She had time to think. But she would save her. Her  
>little girl. The child she had loved more than anything the world had to<br>offer.

She still remembered the first time she had felt her move. The first time  
>she had seen her own eyes looking back at her. How often she felt that if<br>she failed this little girl she would never succeed at anything else. Her  
>longing for Ashley caused an ache in her heart that would never heal. She<br>could still her laugh, her voice filling her thoughts.

"Mummy, I'm afraid."

She would keep her with her until they rejoined the timeline. She would  
>explain to the others. She could not alter a timeline that had not yet<br>happened.

Yes, she would save her daughter.

5.

She could still feel her veins burn as fire coursed through them. The blood  
>that had started it all.<p>

How different her world would have been had she not altered her physiology  
>so drastically. Perhaps she would have more children. With John. A John not<br>haunted by the monster that wretched blood had awoken. If she had not  
>completed her experiment she could have a lived a normal life.<p>

But is normal really the life she wanted?

No.

No, given the chance she would not have changed that particular part of her  
>life.<p>

For no matter how much it pained her, Helen Magnus was destined to live a  
>long life. She would do extraordinary things. She would fail many who needed<br>her but she would help so many more.

113 years was a long time. She knew convention dictated she must not disrupt  
>the timeline.<p>

But then, when had Helen Magnus ever been one for conventions. 

Thanks for reading. It's been a while since I written a fix but it felt good to write again. Reviews are always welcome :)


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